Dad Does Not Speak

As for my Dad. A mean alcoholic, third genaration who failed to see his midlife crisis as something that effected his family. Ran off with his niece (through marriage because of my uncle Lonnie married her mom). Not a whisper of common sense and decency. Got himself kicked out from the country club because he made a scene while drunk. Mean as hades, without a sense of guilt for what he has wrought.

Does not desire his former self and family. Stole over $100k from his brothers and sisters from the will of my grandfather Siso. (He was the executor, according to Florida law, he could do with the monies as he pleased). Went to court drunk and defended hiself. Won and then got put in the drunk tank. My brother tries to speak to him.. Too much pain. When I was a kid, our German Shephard King bit him, I was happy. He used to hit me. Hit the dog even worse. Crue...Cruel sad man.

I blame you for so many things. Wish you had been a dad.

Today was a pretty good day. Lots of anomalies with the student files. Students who we registered without schedules in Collegue or even more bizzare: half schedules. I do not understand how you go from 18 credits to 3 credits. I think the registrar is involved in it.
I worked out at the gym, did 20 minutes on the track. I also had a sensible dinner with Brownie. He fessed up to drinking during the holidays but no binges. I am certainly impressed in his change of life. My good friend Mr. Black retired after 30 years of service to the state. Huzzah!

Ruminations

I ran into Jamie an ex of Brownie and he told me that pretty much Brownie has been on a year of self destruction with alcohol and his behaviors. I thanked him for his honest insights and also confessed that I fell for this guy. Not out of a desire to save and help him, but as a frienship developed from the carnal component; I saw a human being just like my uncle Joe or my dad pained by his poor choices and unwilling to face them in a sober manner. Jamie told me about phonecalls to pick him up from the bars and how he refused. That is where I disagree. Alcoholics should never be refused a ride. It is inconvenient tio have to wake up and pick up a drunk, but the option of them getting behind the wheel and taking another life is no option at all.

I have expiated my inner demons when it comes to Brownie. I called him but at Greta Garbo once said: "She needs to be alone..." His desire for seclusion and exclusion really echo of the isolation that people under extreme duress suffer when they are not societally connected. Perhaps in the final analysis I fell in love with someone who did not love himself and projected this throughout his many bouts with depression and blackouts.

My desire is not to be Brownie's caretaker. This would be a full-time job. I also do not desire to fix what is broken. I neither have the patience or desire to mend the small fracture pieces of a 42 year old life. My desire is to extend a helping hand when needed and to be as unitrusive as posible. Brownie is and will always b a friend. We are linked by common experiences and a brief respite of madness which I call life. Is he crazy, perhaps... Is he loved? indubitably.

As for James Frey... I am mad at you for enhancing your real life with fictional accountings of what really happened. It is your life and your account though not entirely false or true strikes various discordant cords within my psyche. I do understand why you wnated the book to be fiction rather that self-recovery. It touched me and many readers who believed that you set yourself free from drugs and alcohol. My friend Leonard was a welcome cpastone to an already full story. Even Brownie liked it. I am thinking about you James Frey.

Tonight, I worked at Borders. It was very tedious and slow. Did two info's and two reg's. At info you must answer the phone, check the e-mail box for online in store orders, answer customer questions, re-shelve all books, magazines or product that are foreign and abandoned. Shelve, keeper & chicklet new books, DVD's and toys. Make sure no one molests the store's mascot. Monitor the in store music, watch for thieves and finally keep the manager's entertained.

At the register: You greet the entering customer, ring up the exiting customer, keep the FOS straight and neat. Wrap gifts for customers, provide resources for the confused shopper and make change when necessary. Not bad work if you can get it.

The Weekend

Gone it is. I worked Friday, Saturday and Sunday to assist my newest luxury: a brand new spanking radiator for my 97' Saturn. I would hope that nothing else would dare konk out during the next couple of months; but the Saturn Mechanic's ever vigilant have warned me of an engine mount, brakes, power steering fluid replacement.... you name it it is all going to shit.
I am a fastidious car enthusiast and I maintain my only mode of transport in pretty good shape. Maybe, I need a new automobile....

Running Just Merrily Along

Unusual is the place I work. I just found out that my supervisor in cohoots with some unmentionable dean have students spying on what work we do here. Lord knows I love to play games but are we not a little past these stupid sophomoric antics. The truth be told, I kind like this, it feeds into my wicked sense of humor. Students monitor my comings and goings. It must be fairly boring to serve as my spy. I arrive propmtly at 7:55 AM every morning for the past 4 years. I drink my EAS shake or some fruit. I schedule out the restof my day by 8:15. I take lunch religiously at 12:30 PM until 1:30 PM. Mostly in my office another shake and a good book. I go home at 5 PM. Not really much to report.

I sometimes wonder what do these women really do aside from gossip and creating innuendo. They are truly desperate school house marms.

The Visit

Met with Dan discussed my concerns. Satifactory responses were received. I am moving on. We all need to accept the following:

Holding on to an ex love; is tainted love,
Free... free... set them free... is not just a song by Sting,
Creating a safe distance from the impact from the crater (void) is ok,
Being hateful, mean and bitter is not ok.

Living to tell another day is better than to pine over something lost that truly was not yours to begin with.
Being loved from a distance is better than being distastefully smothered.

Ohh goodness the bill was 701! for the new radiator, service and bumper. Poor, poor monkey. I guess the trip to Cabo is off.

Hey Brownie, I caught you. See Photo

Curently reading

Two lovely tomes. Paris and Capote. Both are biographies. Strange. One of Paris the ciudelle de amour and Truman Capote.


My car is staying in the sho, it needs a new radiator. This is going to cost.

The Boss is Down

Well she's come undone. At home for the second day in a row. This is a rare occurence. I do hope she feels better. Spent all day yesterday sick, too much milk I guess. Baked bread, made me a loaf of Challah. Delicious Jewish comfort food.

Let my Boss's boss know what is going on. She was attentive and listened carefully. I have a new found respect for her. Made me feel at ease and we talked for an hour about directions, drive and purpose. Good chat, I needed it to get rid of the negative vibe.
Spoke with Brownie court was ok nothing happened case continued to coincide with mine. He seems ok. Had dinner with Dave Black, Dan and Rog.

By the way my radiator is making puffs of smoke, I ripped my front punber off the pins and now it is hanging argh!

The Attack of Ick

I feel tired and sick of the nonsense at the office. On friday my boss asked if I liked it at Borders, I said yes, she replied: At least you are happy a one place. I wanted to see if she had been chatting with Melissa S. who is at NCSU and is an awful gossip. I believe that my resume has crossed Melissa's desk and she couldn't be professional and had to tell my current supervisor that I am searching. In November before I applied as a professional courtesy I attempted to tell my boss and in response I was acussed of being lazy and not a team player. I wish she picked a mental state and stuck with it. Her suervisor Mrs. Fields does not like her erratic behavior. Also, her health is failing, she's battling gout, diebetes and constant illnesses. She retired from one job to deal with the politics of higher education. Poor thing, I really feel sorry for her.

Brokeback Mountain

I had read the book in 1998, and re-read it last month. I could not imagine nor envision Ang Lee's direction and masterful photography in the recently released Brokeback Mountain. The actors do Annie Prouloux book justice and bring to life the characters. It was a well made movie, well acted, but best of all; the characters were believable. I am a romantic and saw a bit of Wuthering Heights in the screenplay of Brokeback Mountain. I went to the theater with Izzy and Billy not expecting much fron Ang Lee directorial effort due to his previously limited release gay film The Wedding Banquet.

I was amazed at the cinematography, the music, the actors and the beautiful vistas in the film. I highly recommend this flick. Thanks Brownie for the Recomendation. I do listen not often but I do listen.

Played with Chili, he's fun.

como podría

como podría

Cómo podría borrar las palabras que te hirieron,
cómo podría viajar en el tiempo y detenerle,
cómo retrasar el reloj...

Cómo limpiar las heridas que te produje,
cómo podría curar tu dolor,
cómo esperar tu perdón...

Cómo volver a ser los mismos de antes,
sin reproches, sin rencores,
sin temor.

Miedo

Tengo miedo de verte
necesidad de verte
esperanza de verte
desazones de verte
tengo ganas de hallarte
preocupación de hallarte
certidumbre de hallarte
pobres dudas de hallarte
tengo urgencia de oírte
alegría de oírte
buena suerte de oírte
y temores de oírte
o sea
resumiendo
estoy jodido
y radiante
quizá más lo primero
que lo segundo
y también
viceversa.


Mario Benedetti

Weiner Head

Sometime I wonder how I make it everyday. Today I was asked by one of my students why we have to do community service. Think about the idea. This is a small college ina midsized urban center and part of our mission is to serve the community. He said the notion of service was flawed. I asked how? I explained that he was from D.C. and there no one cares about what happens to his community. I said that this was doubtful since D. C. is the national capital and it needed to be a showcase of all that is representative of America.

You are a Social Conservative (21% permissive) and an... Economic Conservative (73% permissive) You are best described as a: Strong Republican Link: The Politics Test on OkCupid Free Online Dating Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

Busy Busy Busy

Cleaned the house, scrubbed the pup, bought groceries. Went to see Brokeback Mountain, then worked at Borders.

Crazy Redux

Coaches are dumb as bricks. I had an athlete who needed to register and his transcript needed to be entered into our system to insure the correct placement of courses. Annie; coach dunderhead told me that is why students do not stay here. Actually, Coach, your attitute which is very poor, needs not to be expressing negative comments about the college in front of a new student. I was so mad that after insuring the student was being entered into the database, I went to her supervisor and told coach about her assistant. Where do they find these nuts.

The Chili

Pretty interesting bud. He is spicy not stinky, smart conversant. Interesting. I had two beers and they were savory. Chili knows Brownie, strange small little hamlet we live in. Told him not interested in any serious relations. It goes with my refusal to date, an actual boycott to love. Argh!

One more Secretary Gone Ms. Brown

My boss is the queen of killing secretaries. During her term in office we have polished off 3 people. Not so bad if you take a minute and blame them, unfortunately it is my boss to blame for the revolving door. Sadly she treats them as the ugly stepmother would treat Ciderella. Mean and demeaning is her demeanor.

Dr. King

What has happened to your legacy. Has it all gone wrong in the hood. People killing each other over turfs. What happened to your dream. Is it deferred or is it on Lay away. We have been tricked into complacency and forgottten of your patrimony. Your gift, your sacrifice, will it suffice. Thirty years ago you were shot, shut, and shunned. MLK's legacy is visible and not lost, we no longer ride separate or have fear when we look at each other in the eye. We drink out of bottled water, no more fountains for us. Now the Latino wave has his our shores. Are we going to treat them as equals or will we just find a ne player in the game?

Hostile Brunch

Met with the saw brothers felt hostility and some serious nasty vibes directed at Billy. Don't really feel like hanging out with the negative energy. Stayed put in my own palace. Saw memoirs of a geisha.

Lovely Day

Slept in today in recovery from a shite week. Brownie came by my shift at Borders. Didn't even know he was there until departure. Slept in late.

Intruders at the Gate

Had a relaxing Friday. Met with a buddy for some fun & frolick. This is going to be a quiet weekend. No major plans, other than to catch up in reading. Boy has behaved very well. Left 3 vm for Brownie. I guess he's ok.

Good Morning World

Today is Thursday and the week has flown by. Now news is good news.

The Hump

Called Brownie ayer. No reponsa well I know he's busy. Heck you would think that I still liked him, its more matter of personal care and a desire to see him succeed.

Tuesday Nite Rest Night

Tonight I am going home and going to rest.

Registration Day 2

My crazy co-workers continue to try to plod away as we make schedules with already closed classes

Sleepy headed Monkey

Slept in late. Then went off shopping with Izzy and Billy. Dan called and asked us to arrive on time. We began running late. Drove to Blackwell's had three kings day it was awesome. Roger is doing well. Dave is being extra nice to Connie. she's goten bid though a bit unhealthy.

Working The Streets

Today I did the advisement until 8 Pm as well as praxis in the am and had lunch with Brownie. Brownie seems to be doing well and he looks better than before. Billy and Izzy changed my faucet.

Friday Alas

Yep Friday is here. Registration is tomorrow all filed and forms are prepped and reminded brownie to let me crash at his place during lunch to catch some ZZzz's in my 20 hour marahon of work.

Praxis Training

Went to Praxis training so whrn I administer the test i know how to handout materials. Fairly easy cash. Worked Borders. First real day back at my desk. Still clean. Parents calling mad because their kids hid their grades from them. Is this college or highschool or some strange mix.

Chinese for Lunch

Had a delicious lunch at Red Dragon, spoke with Brownie in the AM. Last night I fgot Frisky with Chilipepper. It was fun to frolick. The Institute continues out in its ever present dronish state. So far I have learned that the State of the College is: Its going to be a getler andKinder year. Somehow I left the meeting feeling as if Billy , the shady lawyer from Chicago was doing a song and dance rather than to address the colleges issues. th faculty are still peeved over not having a senate or voice.

The Institute

today we discussed our need for changing the ways we do what we do in Higher Education to better serve our Customers " The Student" I am all about the customer service in higher ed but many people here have difficulty with change. Brownie called prior to my hookup with Chilipepper. He certainly knows how to time it.

Last Day of Freedom Before hitting the Books

Today I rested relaxed and went to Borders to Work in the evening. This is my last day of vacation until the summer 06. I am reading Know it All, it is about this guy who sets out to read all volumes of the encyclopedia Britannica and what he learned. Izzy has finally reeled in Billy it is Kinda sweet. Dan is in Denial.

Pay them Bills

Holidays over time to pay the bills. Hooked up with Chilipepper for the first time, definitely a second race is warranted.