The Exclusion and Absence

Today, I realized that I haven't drank a drop of liquor for six weeks. It has been easy to control it, so I do not think that I was addicted. I do believe in the genetic predisposition for the disease. I have found a clarity unforseen to me. Like a switch that has been tucked away behind a dry wall. I do not feel a strong urge to peel back the plaster and search for the switch to flick it back on. My friend Brownie has also "stoped", he's also become more distant recluse. I believe I am one of his triggers. It is advised in recovery to keep away from people, situations and experiences that might cause a relapse or trigger an undesired reaction. Maybe the therapy, or work has made him more frantic; who knows.

The clarity comes to me and my newly found addiction is granola and yougurt. I am curious as to why this has all taken place, it has been a six week self study. I am still outgoing and fun but more reflective of all that has transpired. I have attended three sessions of Adecs one to go. The realities and the sharing that we do in class is therapeutic but hardly painless.

I look at myself, my behaviors and reactions and find room for improvement and able perform a therapeutic form of self criticism for the choices that I have made. I also realize that this is a lonely journey, that of recovery and self examination. Brownie needs to do this himself if he hopes to come out of this in a more understanding voice of himself and what really has happened. It is not all bad, nor all good. It just is....

I have realized that my life was out of control, unmaneageable and that through God and my daily prayers, I have beeen able to search for strength. I believe that I have found it. The comfort of another person and how they make me feel is still important but at what cost... should I risk my sanity and orderly life to assist another in the journey?

I think yes, a times; but mostly, no. It is not selfishness that encompasses my thoughts. It is sanity and the inability to espouse another crazy person within my circle. I cannot do it and it is my desire to let this be known. It is hard to realize that you once loved a crazy moment; a lust, a deep desire that causes an inner dispair so deeply profound that it cannot be contained within one's soul.

So here I am working on what matters most, fiscal responsibility, myself and my relation to God.