WHAT I WANT?

My Ideal Man:
[1.] Wants a Christmas tree every year.
[2.] Has or loves dog.
[3.] Needs a sling in his life.
[4.] Avoids drugs 99.9% of the time.
[5.] Has a job that he attends (does not live by) roughly 40 hours per week.
[6.] Has perfect hands and feet and doesn’t know it.
[7.] Has an active fantasy life and can manage to bring fantasy to reality successfully.
[8.] Sees me as a vulnerable man and a child-of God.
[9.] Understands recognizes and celebrates his spirituality.
[10.] Can access his emotions freely.
[11.] Can communicate effectively.
[12.] Can accept responsibility for his mistakes with minimal drama and maximum sincerity.[13.] Is honored and awed by our relationship focused on Christ not just ourselves.
[14.] Is just as willing to hold hands and cuddle, as he is to swing from the chandeliers, naked and bound.
[15.] Is fiscally responsible.
[16.] Can cry.
[17.] Is both sinner and saint.
[18.] Clips coupons.
[19.] Isn’t afraid of dirt, motor oil, blood, or grass stains.
[20.] Reads & understands labels.
[21.] Likes to go out as much as “creating an evening” and staying in.
[22.] Has minimal neuroses, psychoses, and stupidoses.
[23.] Loves to cook, appreciates fine wines and can tell the difference in which fork to use.
[24.] Can empathize with my neurosis and the vicissitudes that the neurosis brings with it.
[25.] Is muscular but not overdone.
[26.] Has light eyes and dark hair.
[27.] Is totally versatile.
[28.] Sports a nice-sized dick, and knows how to use it to its fullest advantage.
[29.] Has fur.
[30.] Understands the difference between your and you’re, their and they’re, and its and it’s.[31.] Speaks Spanish so we can converse together in our own language.
[32.] Is not afraid to smiles beautifully, broadly, and often.
[33.] Laughs frequently, especially at my sophomoric sense of humor.
[34.] Means what he says and follows through.
[35.] Has a well gym membership, knows where it is located.
[36.] He hates clowns and midgets too; because they’re way too creepy.
[37.] Thinks chateaubriand and scrambled eggs and ketchup both have their time and place in the culinary experience.
[38.] Thinks bottled water is OK.
[39.] Would want a house or condo only to fill it with visiting friends.
[40.] Would want a large professional kitchen only for us to cook for those friends.
[41.] Would pay top dollar for a reliable car, not a trendy car.
[42.] Has two eyebrows.
[43.] Looks at a mid century piece of furniture like a Eames chair and immediately thinks “I could tie him to that!”
[44.] Knows which end of the hammer is the business end and isn’t afraid to use it.
[45.] Suggests that we take night classes together and then comes home with the course catalog so we can choose.
[46.] Spoons automatically with me when he crawls into bed.
[47.] Infuriates me by taking a bite out of every chocolate in the box and then surprises me with my own box.
[48.] Is also a coffee fiend and aficionado, appreciating the fact that the most important life events happen over coffee.
[49.] Reads to me while we’re driving.
[50.] Holds my hand when we’re, well…everywhere.
[51.] Knows the difference between smelling like a man and polluting the atmosphere.
[52.] Feels the same way about clothes that I do: they’re extraneous but sometimes necessary.[53.] Loves kids and understand why I do not.
[54.] Hopes for the best and plans for the worst.
[55.] Takes the reins with conviction.
[56.] Hands them over with complete trust.
[57.] Would bathe me daily if I were incapacitated.
[58.] Would bathe me daily even if I weren’t, but reserves that for special occasions.
[59.] Collects but doesn’t hoard, being more than willing to release and return things to the Universal Library.
[60.] Would only want to win the lottery to be able to help his friends and family.
[61.] Respects waiters and servers.
[62.] Understands the difference between righteous anger and throwing a tantrum.
[63.] Is judicious with his time, talent, energy, money, and spirituality.
[64.] Understands the importance of balance in all things.
[65.] Spends time working on himself and growing as an individual.
[66.] Creates and delights in his own sacred space and time.
[67.] Fosters his own hobbies, friends, and opinions.
[68.] Would never eat the last piece of anything before offering it to others first.
[69.] Would never leave without saying goodbye, whether that was a kiss, a hug, or a handshake.
[70.] Can whistle and wants to teach me.
[71.] Is proud of our relationship and comfortable with our sexuality.
[72.] Is forever hearing “You’re GAY??”
[73.] Doesn’t smoke, but can appreciate the fine aroma of a primo Cuban cigar.
[74.] Clips fingernails, toenails, and nose hairs regularly.
[75.] Loves to travel.
[76.] Loves coming home.
[77.] Appreciates the power of silence and feels no need to fill it.
[78.] Surprises me with his creativity.
[79.] Trusts his intuition and instincts as much as he trusts his own experience.
[80.] Can change his oil, his fuses, and his mind.
[81.] Makes my toes curl in bed without even trying, and makes me talk to God when he is trying.
[82.] Would rather buy a “fixer-upper” and fix it up with me than move into something new.[83.] Looks behind himself when walking through a door to make sure that it doesn’t close on someone behind him.
[84.] Can say “You’re full of shit” so sweetly and diplomatically that I want to thank him for pointing that out.
[85.] Has men and women going out of their way to tell me how adorable he is.
[86.] Doesn’t go to the window first in a hotel room to check the view (as 90% of travelers do), he goes to my zipper first because hotels make us both horny as hell.
[87.] Sees gray hair as a sign of maturity, not something that must be dreaded and dyed.
[88.] Is equally comfortable in jeans and T-shirts or a tuxedo, but prefers to be naked.
[89.] Flirts shamelessly making sure that I’m the recipient of the lion’s share of his trysts.
[90.] Takes his meds, including antidepressants, regularly.
[91.] Considers therapy a necessary part of the routine emotional tune-up process.
[92.] Has a child-like curiosity and enthusiasm.
[93.] Would take a bullet for me.
[94.] Wouldn’t want flowers at his funeral, or wedding for that matter, preferring that that money go toward good food, drinks, and entertainment to celebrate the occasion.
[95.] Would be such a revered soul that there would be standing room only at his funeral and wedding.
[96.] Sees life as an active pursuit, full of active verbs, and a few passive naps.
[97.] Considers my feelings, needs, wants, and desires as valid as his, and wants to hear them all make room for as many as possible.
[98.] Sees computers and TVs as distractions and entertainment, but not as replacements or surrogates for friendships or relationships.
[99.] Is prompt and on time, respecting other people’s schedules.
[100.] Knows that I’d be doing all of these things and more for him and us too.
I hope I am clear.